It’s not easy being a woman (flashback Friday)

November 21, 2003

Being a woman is hard, and the traps of womanhood snare me with greater and greater frequency. It all started with the whole eyebrow waxing thing. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. How would that look? One eyebrow to two, two eyebrows to one.

Way too confusing.

Then there came the panty hose, heels and even coloring my hair. These were fun things, little adventures into my girly world, but these seemingly innocent pursuits can turn on you. All of a sudden like.

Let me explain: my friend recently introduced me to fake nails. “They’re fun!” She said. “And they look good… and really, Elsa, they only take a minute to put on.”

So I sat on my bed, clipping and filing my fake nails. Strange, really, to hold a nail in your hand as you clip and file it. Then there’s the glue, strong enough to put airplanes back together. I read the instructions carefully. Put a touch on the nail; press the fake one on the real one. Paint. Be happy.

So I did.

The next morning I took a shower and three nails fell off. Apparently, you’re not allowed to shower once you put on fake nails.

I glued them back on.

Later I washed the dishes and another nail fell off.

Great. No dishes either. I glued it back on.

I put on my panty hose and poked ten lovely holes in a dashing formation. Which promptly caused ten galloping runs. Fine. I guess I just wish the panty hose onto my legs or ask the dog to help – as his claws are now shorter than mine.

Later on, I arrive at work and type. It sounds like I’m performing a drum solo on my keyboard. TAP, TAP, TAP. People gather around my cubicle and start swaying to the tune.

I growl at them and determine that I am done with the nails. I try to pull of the remaining fake ones and nearly pull off my real nail along with twelve layers of skin.

So now ten days later, I have seven nails on and three nails off.

Great. I’m a mutant.

I’ll probably die this way.

(Postscript: Nearly ten years later and I remain traumatized. I shudder walking through nail salons.)

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5 Responses to It’s not easy being a woman (flashback Friday)

  1. Brenda says:

    LOL, to funny. Yes we do get trapped in our little “let’s be a girl” syndrome. I have had acrylic nails now for 17 yrs. I go to my nail person every two weeks for maintenance, i.e. filing down and putting on some new acrylic and polish. 🙂 Polish stays on for two weeks so that’s why I do it. Nails are not too long so they look natural and no clicking on the keyboard. Fake nails that you glue on never work unless you do nothing all day. 🙂

  2. Magda says:

    Hi dear Elsa, your comment today makes me laugh and think in my own life. Maybe that’s exactly what happens with us. God creates us perfect but we start gluing to our life fake thoughts, perceptions, ideas, hair, nails, eyebrow… you name it!!!… not only about ourselves but also about others. At the end this makes us to be far away from God’s original beautiful creation. Even worse, when something fall off from our life -by the grace of God, then there we go… trying to glue it back on!!!

  3. Lucy St. John says:

    Oh, how funny! I also had fake nails about 10 years ago. I’ve never chewed on anything so much in my life!

    I couldn’t type, couldn’t fold invoices to put into envelopes, couldn’t pick anything up, couldn’t paper clip anything and on and on! So, off came the nails and left twisted ugly nails for several weeks. At least I could type! 🙂

  4. Dennis says:

    Thanks made me smile and laugh!!! Just what I needed! Thanks!

  5. Larissa says:

    I have always been a big fan of going to a salon to get “my nails on” vs. the at-home version. They do last through all my showers and they don’t give me any excuses to not do the dishes!!! Though I think you would like having fake nails done the right way I do love you just the way you are!!!

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